every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
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Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.