Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
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In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
something like this could probably happen to anyone
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
🙄😏😂🤣
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Childbirth is so beautiful
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”