4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
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ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.