Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
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Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
I know karate and tons of other words.
Every work call, he judges.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
It’s the weekend y’all
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive