Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
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No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”