I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
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You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”