Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
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My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.