When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
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I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
What personal space?
My dog