Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
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Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.