Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
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[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by