Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
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Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.