This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
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All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
A woman drives into a bar.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore