If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
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Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
real
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one