I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
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I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
It’s actually Dr. whatever
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation