Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
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Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
I bet birds love this building.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
not for long
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?