Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
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When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
There’s never enough good news
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.