People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
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Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.