The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
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I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.