[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
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[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
who called it hell and not heaven’t
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Shower sex be like:
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”