Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
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Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
When they try to steal your moment.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*