My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
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I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.