“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
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Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
*struts into the new year
~ trips
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”