The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
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I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
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sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.