Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
You Might Also Like
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
#JohnTravolta
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Most fashion shows these days…
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.