90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
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What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?