If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
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I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
a lot to unpack here
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
So sick of all these stupid rules
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.