I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
You Might Also Like
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.