[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
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That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent