Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
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Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol