Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
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Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
no one likes gloating
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year