Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
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Perfection.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
He-man has a Masters degree
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.