Mood.. 😂
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I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing