I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
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I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
courtroom exchange of the day
that’s really how it is
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
OMG 🤣🤣
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”