Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
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You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson