~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
You Might Also Like
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.