If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
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The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does