[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
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My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.