Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
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ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
My life coach traded me.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?