You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
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BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Lmbo
<- sleeps well with others
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.