When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
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Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.