My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
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Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always