I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
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he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?