I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
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“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
This could be us, but you weedin’.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
WHY would you be happy about this?
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime