I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
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The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
why am I working on Labor Day
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
#oldknees