My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
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Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.