Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
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The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Just had my nails done!
The Sun
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.