So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
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Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.