fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
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My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Girl, same.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?