Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
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“I’m sorry”:
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volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
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volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Happy Taco Tuesday
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Not today, today.
Not today.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.