[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
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*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
termite twitter scares me
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings